What the Nassar Scandal Can Teach Us
Yesterday, after a week of heart-wrenching victim impact statements, renowned sports physician Larry Nassar was sentenced up to 175 years for sexually abusing his patients — many of whom were just children or young teenagers when he first began assaulting them.Not yet known are the full consequences to be faced by Michigan State University, USA Gymnastics, and all those who minimized or outright dismissed victims’ reports for two decades.Complaints and red flags were eclipsed, in large measure, by the weight so many gave to one person's reputation and the unquestioned trust placed in that authority. More than 150 victims lie in the wake.Yet, Nassar is not an anomaly. Offenders wreak devastation on individual lives in every corner of every community, every day.With more than 30 years of experience providing sexual abuse services and given the tremendous public attention on this issue, the YWCA is taking this opportunity to share our expertise in order to help adults understand how abuse happens and what you can do to prevent it.We urge you to take some time to read through this information - it is lengthy ... but our children are worth it.
What We Need To Know To Keep Children Safe
The Take-Aways
- Offenders are built, not born.
- It is critical to come to terms with the knowledge that the person most likely to target your child or teenager is someone you already know and trust.
- Sexual abuse is preventable. It is simple, if not comfortable, for each person reading this to stop offenders.
A short parable
Two monks were walking down a riverbank in silent meditation. One monk glanced over and spotted a baby floating down the river. He immediately jumped in, grabbed the infant and gently brought the baby to shore, where the other monk lifted the baby to safety. Just as the first monk stepped back onto shore, he glanced back and saw another baby floating with the current. He waded back out, collected the child and brought him to the second monk, who placed the baby in the warm sunshine to dry off. Again, just as he was climbing onto shore, he glanced back to see yet another baby floating down the river. He turned around, waded out, and retrieved the child. As he turned back toward the riverbank, he was surprised to see his brother running away, heading up river. The monk in the water called out —“Brother brother, where are you going? We are doing very important work here!” His brother called back, “I have to stop the person putting these babies in the river!”
We are developing wonderful technologies to help victims of child sexual abuse recover from their assault. Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness exercises, trauma-informed yoga, neuro-feedback, even dietary guidance to better manage stress symptoms, all aid victims in their recovery. However, none of this prevents sexual abuse from happening.So let’s talk about sexual abuse in a different way. How does a sex offense happen? Once we, as a community, as parents, as siblings, as grandparents, as educators, mentors and co-workers are aware of all the things that need to go wrong before a sex offense can occur, the more empowered we are to stop the victimization before it occurs.This is always a difficult topic to discuss, because it becomes very personal for some. Many have had child sexual abuse touch their lives in one way or another. Exploring the origins of sex offending behavior can sometimes sound like we are minimizing the pain that victims endure, trying to gain sympathy for offenders, or somehow excusing them of their responsibility. Please recognize that nothing is further from the truth. But, we firmly believe that most sex offenders are built, not born, and that we all have the power and responsibility to intervene, to keep the babies out of the river.
First
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Second
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Fourth
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To move the needle on prevention of child sexual abuse, providing quality services for victims is simply not enough. True prevention means we are acting to make sure the threat is well contained, or better yet, doesn’t exist at all.Nothing suggested here is complex; it really just entails wearing our commitment on our shirtsleeves wherever we go. Sometimes that means not being a passive bystander, more often it means announcing ourselves as protectors and appreciating the powerful role we have in interrupting that path toward offending behavior.It can be a little awkward, but our children are worth it.
Now, let's talk about what we can do.
- Acknowledge that child abuse can happen, and that it may be perpetrated by someone you know. Ninety percent of sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone already known to the child. Odds are good that you already know the person who might target your child as a victim. Consciously accept that, and be prepared to deal with the notion that someone you already know, and probably trust, can be a sex offender. This is a huge burden, and an uncomfortable one. It changes how we view the safety of our children in their everyday world and causes us anxiety. As humans, we try to avoid stressful things, but here, our denial and avoidance can keep us from acting protectively.
- Make your role as an active protector known to those who have contact with your child — teachers, coaches, day care providers, scout leaders, field trip chaperones, parents of your children’s friends etc. In particular, parents and grandparents who are identified by potential perpetrators as active allies to their children are one of the most powerful external inhibitors we have. Take it a step further, and let that adult know you and your child regularly talk about body safety. Yes, this topic is hard to work into a conversation with the ballet teacher or Uncle Bob, but the conversations you will be having if your child is abused are far more difficult. It can be relatively painless. “My husband and I have been talking with Jessica about body safety. She really is taking an interest in the topic, and sometimes likes to talk to other kids about it. Just wanted to give you a heads up before the field trip.”
- Have active and ongoing conversation with your children about body safety. Make sure they have the language to tell you when they are worried. Having a language in your household that allows your children to bring to you uncomfortable or suspicious behavior by the adults or older kids in their lives may alert you to danger before an actual assault ever occurs.
- Help children exercise their empathy skills. The ability to understand how others are affected by our behavior is a powerful internal inhibitor. But this skill needs exercise. In our age of communicating through text messages and digital screens, there is even less opportunity for children to learn how to understand and value the perspective of others. The more we as adults teach our children to think in these terms, the more we are reinforcing a powerful internal inhibitor. In simple discussions of daily events, help your children see things through the eyes of others. This may include asking them to imagine how other children in the classroom may have felt about a particular event, not just getting your child’s perspective. Ask your child to imagine what the characters on TV or in books might be thinking about or feeling.
- Help teens have healthy resources to manage the stressors of adolescence. This may include a trusted adult other than you. Recognize that the lives of teens are indeed stressful. As an artifact of their stage of psychosexual development, teens can easily sexualize problem solving and need gratification. Recognize this is natural, and help your child find effective ways to address loneliness, frustration, school fears, needing to feel accepted, and even their own developing sexual awareness. For example, help them identify ways to feel accepted and loved that don’t involve an expectation of sex. Or help them appreciate that failures in life are normal and do not have to be balanced with an act of re-empowerment to feel competent again. Teens may not readily accept this guidance from a parent, so you may need to find a trusted mentor with whom you can coordinate.
- Young men need guidance in defining masculinity. Competency as a man needs to be based on qualities other than power, dominance, victory, and acquisition. When children only have this lens to understand sexuality, the stage begins to be set for offending behavior. Helping youth to value kindness, understanding, respect, altruism, and protection greatly expands their options for self-definition. For a teen boy to equate competency and physical strength with his responsibility to protect others is a much healthier version of masculinity than he will learn from a video game.
- Children will be inundated with sexualized messages during their adolescence, including pornography. To counter this, help them to understand the healthy role that sexuality plays in relationships. This includes some candid discussion about the pornography they will encounter —how these images are not reflective of real relationships and how they are designed to manipulate folks into being consumers of this material by the pornography industry. Knowing there is an industry in place trying to entice them and trick them may cast pornography in a whole different light for a teen who believes he is an independent thinker and decision maker.
- Advocate for protective policies in all places that serve children. Within child-serving venues important to your family — schools, clubs, scouts, churches, camps — ask about their policies and procedures to safeguard children from abuse and screen for possible offenders. Merely asking the question heightens awareness. If the policies don’t exist, ask how you can be a part of their development.
Thank you to the YWCA counseling staff for their expertise provided in this resource. We encourage you to share this information in the ongoing effort to increase prevention of sexual abuse.